Simple syrup

To a collins glass, add 12 mint leaves, 1/2 of a lime cut into wedges, and muddle gently. Fill glass with ice, add 2 TBSP simple syrup, 1 1/2 oz rum, and top off with club soda. Yum.

I'm lazy, I'll be the first to admit it. If there is an easy way to do something that gets me 80% of the way there, then that's usually the route I will take. Exceptions to this are rare, and usually involve some greater purpose than the task at hand. Enter simple syrup. Now, I know that you can make simple syrup yourself. It's not that it's hard. It's just a pain. I don't wanna, okay? So when I go to the store to procure the above ingredients I start looking for a bottle of simple syrup. It's not in the 'mixers' section, it's not in the 'baking' aisle (ok, a stretch, I admit, but I also don't understand why they dont put the taco shells next to the flour tortillas either, so what do I know - I'm a guy).

Anyhoo, I search the store for a reasonable amount of time before figuring that they must carry the simple syrup at the liquor store instead. I go to the check-out line and wait. Someonehadcoupons-oopstheypickedthewrongitem-billcanIgetapricecheckplease-canIwritethisfor$10over-mycatheterbagjustexplodeddoyouhaveanytape-Fast forward, I'll tell that story another day. She's pretty. I love her. . . Or love the idea of her anyway. . . Hm? Oh, the little nineteen year old checkout girl I have been staring at. . . You want what? Oh yes, hi! I'm back now! Yes, I'm doing very well thanks, and how are you? Happy holidays to you too! (I'm wearing my Santa hat right now, apparently) Well, actually yes, I was hoping that you guys might carry simple syrup.

Her: *slight pause, as if worried that she might be on candid camera*

Me: 'It's okay if you don't know what it is.'

Her: 'Oh, I know what it is. . . You can make it yourself you know. . .'

Me: 'Yes, yes, I know, but what if you're lazy?'

Me: 'I mean like, if it's only a couple bucks, then. . .'

Her: 'Umm, I don't think we carry that. . .'

Me (meekly): Okay thank you.

I'll just get it at the liquor store. They have all sorts of mixers and oddities at the liquor store. I go into the liquor store, grab my rum, and look around. A plethora of colors and names is all over the mixer shelf. No simple syrup. They've got lime juice, in case I am too lazy to squeeze a lime, but no simple syrup. So I go to the register.

Me: 'Do you guys carry simple syrup'

Her: 'You can make it yourself you know. Two cups of sug-'

Me: 'YES, I know that, but if I didn't want to make it myself, then -'

Her: 'We don't carry that. Two cups of sugar, one cup of water in a pot on the stove. Just boil it.'

Me: 'Okay -'

Her: 'Boiling is when those little bubbles happen at the bottom.'

Me: 'Thanks.'

Her: 'If you put a little bit of maple in it, you can make maple syrup.'

Me: 'Thank you so much.'

Me, inside my head, what I meant to say: 'Jane, you ignorant slut. Bisquick is little more than flour, baking powder, and shortening. I could make that myself too if I really wanted to. And despite being a total alcoholic, I have never, ever, found anything that was begging to be mixed with maple syrup. If I wanted to get in the business of 'making my own', then I would set up a damned (illegal) distillery in my garage and make some tax-free hooch, at which point I could sell mojitos for $1 each and still come out ahead.'

Me: 'Happy Holidays!'

Unfulfilled, I went home and spent the 10 minutes it took to make 750 mls of simple syrup. Maybe it wasn't so bad after all. . .