Sex Ed

I was reminiscing about sex ed the other day. I went to many different schools growing up, and each one taught their own sex ed class - none of which were as informative as watching 'Bonfire of the Panties' in Bob's basement growing up (who's Bob?). I can remember at almost every school though, that there were two or three students who quietly disappeared when it was sex ed time - presumably to go and visit the library and learn more about puppies or ice cream or something, and I never quite understood what the big deal was. Looking back now, I can understand that these were the kids whose parents didn't sign their permission slip and they were either too honest or too dense to fake it - but I still can't understand why. . .

Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to tell you what to do with your kids as far as sex ed goes, I couldn't care less. Mine will probably go just so I don't have to hear about it from anyone else later, but I fully expect them to actually learn about sex by watching pornos or in the back seat of a car with a box of condoms and a local floozy - in other words, the way that nature intended. That's really the only place to learn anyway - 'cause much like math, reading, grammar, science, and etiquette, public schools can't teach sex ed to save their lives either...

This is what all of us 10 and 11 year old boys had hoped sex ed was going to be like:






Eliza Dushku, brought into the classroom, hair all in a tussle, and just waiting to show us all of the special wonders that go with sexual relations. Many, many times if possible. We had, after all, gotten over the embarrassment of giving the stupid permission slips to our parents, and listened to them stutter haltingly over something in an inane attempt to smooth over the situation ('Don't you go ahhh.. Don't you be getting no girls pregnant now. But, wait, don't get gay either! Not-that-we-won't-love-you-if-you-are...') - thanks guys, that helped! What I'm trying to say is that we put in our dues. We had earned Eliza, or at lease a torrid, bawdy afternoon with her. We could almost see her, surrounded by nothing but steam, waiting. . .

And this must be parents' greatest fear - that little Billy will discover exactly what all the moaning at night has been about, and that the vibrator in the drawer isn't really for daddy's sore neck, and in fact, that sex might actually be fun! No! Better to keep them in the dark until college, because mixing your first alcohol, first independence, and first real social function on the first weekend of college with other horny teens is bound to produce some exceptionally wise choices :).

Anyhoo, back to the point, I can't fathom why anyone would worry about the above, because despite our best jockeying for who was going to have first dibs with Eliza, when we came back in from recess we were greeted with this instead:


You can imagine how that pink smudgy thing in the center there aroused our loins to such a state that maintaining a seated position was mighty challenging for those with any endowment whatsoever. And this is the best it ever got! Usually, in most schools, you didn't even get a flesh-colored smudgy - you would have to settle for a district-approved cut-away diagram photocopied on goldenrod and looking as if it had been hand-drawn by Charles Schultz on his death bed. Also note how there are lines pointing to the bladder, anus, and other various anatomical features that have nothing to do with any legitimate attempt to reproduce. Side note: This could very well be the source of some peoples infatuation with orifices and fluids not traditionally associated with sex, but I digress... The diagram of the male anatomy is similarly presented, only we get to memorize where the vas deferens and prostate are - arguably important for sex, yes, but girls, when is the last time you cared about how to spell vas deferens, or where it was located?

So while we were there, nursing our swollen boners and deciding which circle was going to be the ovary, do you think that someone would tell us anything that actually had to do with sex? No! Never once did I hear that the penis should be placed in the vagina, or that there would be a little tickle-that-felt-like-a-sneeze-only-better that would let you know when your business was done, or that condoms were available at any local drug store (much less how to use one!). No! What we got was an afternoon spent understanding the female period, which was both uncomfortable for the girls, and disgusting for the guys - and forced all of us to stare in random non-eye-contact directions until class was over at which point we all turned in our papers with virtually nothing filled out on the little blank lines and were all summarily flunked. By the next day, no one could tell you what a vas deferens was, much less what it was for, and the only person who could spell it was a girl who didn't even go to the sex ed that day. This is sex ed in public schools. This is the big fear, the big lie. For all of you about to hold your kids back from what can best be described as a farcical journey into Latin spelling, I salute you - just do it for the right reasons - and for heaven's sake, buy the kid a DVD!