Business Speak

I work in a stuffy office building where I sit in a little grey cubicle and type all day. If you've ever seen the movie Office Space, then your know exactly where I'm coming from. Anyway, office buildings go, almost inexorably, from 'regular' to 'stuffy' via business-speak. Usually, business-speak is used to present bad news or to cover for inadequacies, and it works like this:

Instead of saying "Hey guys, tough times ahead, we wont be able to pay out much on bonuses this year", they'll make up a story, and use big words to confuse you and make you think that maybe, just maybe you aren't getting screwed this time. Thus, a relatively cool sounding announcement like: "In accordance with our vision to be recognized as the industry leader in widget innovation, we are re-engineering the bonus paradigm to more effectively align our business goals with our mission of staying employee-focused. This new bonus restructuring program will empower managers on every level to more effectively recognize and reward the most valued contributors in the organization! These are not the droids you're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along please."
Really means this: Bonuses have been slashed - horribly. There is a lot less money to go around now, and your manager will decide how much you get, so brown nose and backstab as appropriate. Many of you will receive no bonuses, no matter what you do - sorry Pip old chap, bend over and you know the rest.

No no, don't leave! There's more! Walk down the hall in my building and eavesdrop with me! Here's a quiz, err.. I mean a reader-aligned empowerment initiative (answers at the bottom):

1. "What we need is a straw man, then we can give them a 30,000 foot view, run it up the flag pole, and see who salutes!" means:
a. Somewhere there is a scare crow wearing a parachute that is about to get impaled on a flag pole.
b. You must stand for the national anthem before watching the Wizard of Oz.
c. Only an idiot would buy into this load of crap, so let's trash the other guys idea first, then we'll talk about ours in vague but positive terms while waving our hands frantically, and hope that someone goes 'ooh ooh! Good idea!!'

2. "Our value-added services are really the core dependency of the new operating paradigm" means:
a. If people don't start texting more, then we're going to lose big time on all the money we spent putting that feature in...
b. We're operating on someone to remove a pair of dimes.
c. There's a new menu at McDonalds.

3. "What we need is an ITIL-driven six sigma solution..." means:
a. There's a lot of important people sitting around a table, talking about the latest fuckup.
b. I have no idea what's wrong, or how to fix it, so I'm going to throw acronyms and buzz words at it until it goes away.
c. Both of the above.

4. "Highly motivated, detail-oriented person sought for position at Widgets-R-Us. Position requires problem-solving as well as people skills with leadership experience preferred. Competitive salary offered." means:
a. We are behind schedule, have no quality control, and your co-workers are agents of the underworld. Please come and take responsibility for this mess, and we will pay you as little as we think that we can possibly get away with.
b. And your bonus is forfeit this year too.
c. And you're looking mighty cute in them jeans. . .
d. Squeal like a pig, boy.

5. "Our drive to increase our efficiencies and maximize our opportunities for success relies heavily on our most experienced employees taking the initiative to partner with our vendors prior to making their transition to our corporate alumni community." means:
a. Your job is being outsourced to someone who will do it for 8 cents on the dollar, but we don't call it 'outsourcing' anymore, we call it 'right-sourcing', because it's right for us!
b. Your severance package will consist primarily of a cross and shovel. By accepting these, you agree not use either one on company property, and will not under any circumstances remove flowers from company premises.
c. PS - haha.


Answers:
1. C, though A actually makes more sense, doesn't it?
2. A, although you weren't sure at first, were you?
3. C, because A invariably leads to B.
4. Definitely A, often B, sometimes C, always D.
5. A, B if you're lucky, C after you have left, and also see 'D' from #4

Cheers,