Sex Ed

I was reminiscing about sex ed the other day. I went to many different schools growing up, and each one taught their own sex ed class - none of which were as informative as watching 'Bonfire of the Panties' in Bob's basement growing up (who's Bob?). I can remember at almost every school though, that there were two or three students who quietly disappeared when it was sex ed time - presumably to go and visit the library and learn more about puppies or ice cream or something, and I never quite understood what the big deal was. Looking back now, I can understand that these were the kids whose parents didn't sign their permission slip and they were either too honest or too dense to fake it - but I still can't understand why. . .

Don't get me wrong, I'm not here to tell you what to do with your kids as far as sex ed goes, I couldn't care less. Mine will probably go just so I don't have to hear about it from anyone else later, but I fully expect them to actually learn about sex by watching pornos or in the back seat of a car with a box of condoms and a local floozy - in other words, the way that nature intended. That's really the only place to learn anyway - 'cause much like math, reading, grammar, science, and etiquette, public schools can't teach sex ed to save their lives either...

This is what all of us 10 and 11 year old boys had hoped sex ed was going to be like:






Eliza Dushku, brought into the classroom, hair all in a tussle, and just waiting to show us all of the special wonders that go with sexual relations. Many, many times if possible. We had, after all, gotten over the embarrassment of giving the stupid permission slips to our parents, and listened to them stutter haltingly over something in an inane attempt to smooth over the situation ('Don't you go ahhh.. Don't you be getting no girls pregnant now. But, wait, don't get gay either! Not-that-we-won't-love-you-if-you-are...') - thanks guys, that helped! What I'm trying to say is that we put in our dues. We had earned Eliza, or at lease a torrid, bawdy afternoon with her. We could almost see her, surrounded by nothing but steam, waiting. . .

And this must be parents' greatest fear - that little Billy will discover exactly what all the moaning at night has been about, and that the vibrator in the drawer isn't really for daddy's sore neck, and in fact, that sex might actually be fun! No! Better to keep them in the dark until college, because mixing your first alcohol, first independence, and first real social function on the first weekend of college with other horny teens is bound to produce some exceptionally wise choices :).

Anyhoo, back to the point, I can't fathom why anyone would worry about the above, because despite our best jockeying for who was going to have first dibs with Eliza, when we came back in from recess we were greeted with this instead:


You can imagine how that pink smudgy thing in the center there aroused our loins to such a state that maintaining a seated position was mighty challenging for those with any endowment whatsoever. And this is the best it ever got! Usually, in most schools, you didn't even get a flesh-colored smudgy - you would have to settle for a district-approved cut-away diagram photocopied on goldenrod and looking as if it had been hand-drawn by Charles Schultz on his death bed. Also note how there are lines pointing to the bladder, anus, and other various anatomical features that have nothing to do with any legitimate attempt to reproduce. Side note: This could very well be the source of some peoples infatuation with orifices and fluids not traditionally associated with sex, but I digress... The diagram of the male anatomy is similarly presented, only we get to memorize where the vas deferens and prostate are - arguably important for sex, yes, but girls, when is the last time you cared about how to spell vas deferens, or where it was located?

So while we were there, nursing our swollen boners and deciding which circle was going to be the ovary, do you think that someone would tell us anything that actually had to do with sex? No! Never once did I hear that the penis should be placed in the vagina, or that there would be a little tickle-that-felt-like-a-sneeze-only-better that would let you know when your business was done, or that condoms were available at any local drug store (much less how to use one!). No! What we got was an afternoon spent understanding the female period, which was both uncomfortable for the girls, and disgusting for the guys - and forced all of us to stare in random non-eye-contact directions until class was over at which point we all turned in our papers with virtually nothing filled out on the little blank lines and were all summarily flunked. By the next day, no one could tell you what a vas deferens was, much less what it was for, and the only person who could spell it was a girl who didn't even go to the sex ed that day. This is sex ed in public schools. This is the big fear, the big lie. For all of you about to hold your kids back from what can best be described as a farcical journey into Latin spelling, I salute you - just do it for the right reasons - and for heaven's sake, buy the kid a DVD!

The Treadmill Saga

The following takes place several years ago, following the purchase of a treadmill at a local sporting goods store. . .

10:00 : Went to U-Haul. Tried to get a moving truck with a ramp and a dolly, because it would be easier and cheaper (surprisingly) than renting a pickup truck and dolly.

10:15 : The inbred idiots in line in front of me are finally gone in their $19.95 a day moving truck, the kind that I want to get too.

10:16 : Clerk informs me that they are out of $19.95 a day moving trucks,but they have some brand new ones that are the same size that he will rent me for $29.95. Figured that it wasn't worth it, so asked for a pickup truck and a dolly.

10:20 : Picking my nose.

10:25 : I went out to the parking lot to do the damage inspection for the truck. I marked up the whole sheet, so as to avoid a fight later about whether or not I made that particular scratch on the bumper. Clerk didn't seem to care.

10:30 : Waiting to turn left on Aurora.

10:35 : On my way in the truck. It smells funny inside.

10:50 : Arrived at Sports Authority. After some humming and hawing, they decide to get my treadmill out from the back. They were surprised that they still had one. Noticed a 'free home delivery and installation' package advertised for treadmills. Didn't even want to know. Figured I had the situation in hand anyway.

11:00 : Talked Bob into helping me load the treadmill into the U-Haul truck. Damn that thing was heavy. Noted that the box had 'Warning, fragile electronic equipment inside' writing all over it. Noted that I had forgotten get the dolly. Crap.

11:10 : On the highway, headed for home. Beginning to wonder whether or not I can handle the 300+ pound box, which is absolutely huge.

11:15 : Arrived home. Tried to move treadmill out of pickup bed. Open tailgate is about 1/4 inch higher than the bottom of the bed. There is no way I can slide the damn box out.

11:20 : Finally done trying to strong arm it out of the pickup. Arms shaking and back hurts. Remembered something about levers from physics class. Retrieved two shovels from the garage.

11:21 : Managed to work shovels under one end of the box. Shovel heads look like they will make excellent steel feet to help the box slide over the inner tailgate ledge. Hauled back and shoved.

11:22 : Treadmill box on driveway, remarkably still upright.

11:23 : Start to work the box towards the door of the house. Wet sidewalk is amazing in its ability to hold a box fast, yet make the soles of your shoes extra-slippery.

11:30 : Opened the door to the house, took off coat and threw keys on the couch. Proceeded to work box into the doorway.

11:31 : Box wedged tight. Cant move box, can't close door, can't get keys. Looks grim.

11:32 : Box magically moves far enough inside to close door. Get keys and start up truck.

11:35 : Re-fuel truck.

11:40 : Returned truck to U-Haul.

11:45 : Waiting to turn left on Aurora.

11:50 : Cut off four people. Gave everyone in sight the finger. Escort doesn't move very fast anymore.

12:00 : At home. Debating whether to try to move the box out of the livingroom, or not. Figure that my wife would kill me if I left it there.

12:15 : Ecountered another lovely obstacle - the lip of the floor running into the laundry room. Found out I can deadlift 200 pounds, even with my weak back. Better than I thought I could do.

12:20 : Box in place. Want to make sure I didn't break anything inside. Search begins for an exacto knife.

12:21 : Tried to cut box open with scissors. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.. That was cute.

12:24 : Decide to use my little knife that I found in the Escort. Worked great!

12:30 : Saw the words 'Space Saver' inside the box. Space saver my ass. You could fold the treadmill up and store it in, say, a two car garage - provided that you could find a way to move it.

The Video

So I made this video for Youtube:



It's a video for that 'Hey There Vagina' parody off on the right hand panel there. The video was shot with one of these doohickeys:



which you can get for like $100 at Amazon, and seems fine for YouTube to me I guess. I don't know much about making videos, but this was kinda fun so thought I would share. Hope you enjoy it!

Business Speak

I work in a stuffy office building where I sit in a little grey cubicle and type all day. If you've ever seen the movie Office Space, then your know exactly where I'm coming from. Anyway, office buildings go, almost inexorably, from 'regular' to 'stuffy' via business-speak. Usually, business-speak is used to present bad news or to cover for inadequacies, and it works like this:

Instead of saying "Hey guys, tough times ahead, we wont be able to pay out much on bonuses this year", they'll make up a story, and use big words to confuse you and make you think that maybe, just maybe you aren't getting screwed this time. Thus, a relatively cool sounding announcement like: "In accordance with our vision to be recognized as the industry leader in widget innovation, we are re-engineering the bonus paradigm to more effectively align our business goals with our mission of staying employee-focused. This new bonus restructuring program will empower managers on every level to more effectively recognize and reward the most valued contributors in the organization! These are not the droids you're looking for. You can go about your business. Move along please."
Really means this: Bonuses have been slashed - horribly. There is a lot less money to go around now, and your manager will decide how much you get, so brown nose and backstab as appropriate. Many of you will receive no bonuses, no matter what you do - sorry Pip old chap, bend over and you know the rest.

No no, don't leave! There's more! Walk down the hall in my building and eavesdrop with me! Here's a quiz, err.. I mean a reader-aligned empowerment initiative (answers at the bottom):

1. "What we need is a straw man, then we can give them a 30,000 foot view, run it up the flag pole, and see who salutes!" means:
a. Somewhere there is a scare crow wearing a parachute that is about to get impaled on a flag pole.
b. You must stand for the national anthem before watching the Wizard of Oz.
c. Only an idiot would buy into this load of crap, so let's trash the other guys idea first, then we'll talk about ours in vague but positive terms while waving our hands frantically, and hope that someone goes 'ooh ooh! Good idea!!'

2. "Our value-added services are really the core dependency of the new operating paradigm" means:
a. If people don't start texting more, then we're going to lose big time on all the money we spent putting that feature in...
b. We're operating on someone to remove a pair of dimes.
c. There's a new menu at McDonalds.

3. "What we need is an ITIL-driven six sigma solution..." means:
a. There's a lot of important people sitting around a table, talking about the latest fuckup.
b. I have no idea what's wrong, or how to fix it, so I'm going to throw acronyms and buzz words at it until it goes away.
c. Both of the above.

4. "Highly motivated, detail-oriented person sought for position at Widgets-R-Us. Position requires problem-solving as well as people skills with leadership experience preferred. Competitive salary offered." means:
a. We are behind schedule, have no quality control, and your co-workers are agents of the underworld. Please come and take responsibility for this mess, and we will pay you as little as we think that we can possibly get away with.
b. And your bonus is forfeit this year too.
c. And you're looking mighty cute in them jeans. . .
d. Squeal like a pig, boy.

5. "Our drive to increase our efficiencies and maximize our opportunities for success relies heavily on our most experienced employees taking the initiative to partner with our vendors prior to making their transition to our corporate alumni community." means:
a. Your job is being outsourced to someone who will do it for 8 cents on the dollar, but we don't call it 'outsourcing' anymore, we call it 'right-sourcing', because it's right for us!
b. Your severance package will consist primarily of a cross and shovel. By accepting these, you agree not use either one on company property, and will not under any circumstances remove flowers from company premises.
c. PS - haha.


Answers:
1. C, though A actually makes more sense, doesn't it?
2. A, although you weren't sure at first, were you?
3. C, because A invariably leads to B.
4. Definitely A, often B, sometimes C, always D.
5. A, B if you're lucky, C after you have left, and also see 'D' from #4

Cheers,