Dora the Sexplorer

Warning: The following, like most everything else here, is not suitable for children (children who are literate anyway). . .


They loooove Dora. I haaaate Dora. I want to kiiiill Dora. With a haaaammer. You can only sit and watch the same idiotic, mind-numbing Dora the Explorer episodes over and over for so long before your mind starts to wander and make up its own story behind the characters and what they are doing. I finally cracked at the 55th showing of 'Dora's Magic Box', so here I am. . .

For those who don't already have their own little private Dora-hell, the real show airs on Nickelodeon, and usually goes something like this:
Dora has some shit to do or somewhere she needs to go and so she does, and she always has two landmarks along the way, with the third place as her destination. She'll use a map to help plan a route and get there. Dora travels with a talking monkey named Boots, meets Swiper (a fox) somewhere along the way, sometimes succeeds at saying 'Swiper no Swiping' three times, and sometimes not at which point Swiper successfully swipes stuff from Dora or Boots and hides it. Dora and Boots then always find the hidden stuff. Dora has dozens of stupid friends, and with their help always succeeds in overcoming the obstacles during the show. Dora sometimes speaks Spanish, especially to some of her friends that don't speak English, and then every character that was on today's episode sings the god-forsaken 'We Did it' song at the end except for Swiper - unless Swiper did something positive in the episode, like the time where he rescued a lost baby fox. Lastly, Dora asks viewers what their favorite part was, and she and Boots then proceed to tell the viewer which part of the adventure she most enjoyed. Hurl.

In my head, it goes more like this:

Dora was born into a poor family in small Mexican village someplace, and was brought into the world of sex, drugs, and prostitution early-on, chiefly as a result of not being able to run quite as fast as her cousin Diego. Like the rest of the world, Diego quickly tired of this cheery little bitch and decided to trade her to a local pimp for that nifty watch he now wears, plus a half-gallon of ice cream.

The pimp of my show is Tiko, of course. Tiko is always cruising around in his car, or a boat, or a plane, perhaps a rocket ship - who knows, and always seems to own at least one of everything. He is a pimpy little guy fo shizzle, and a snazzy dresser to boot, and he was glad to trade his Mexican-made Rollecks to Diego for a nice little piece like Dora.

After the trade, the first thing Tiko had to do was make sure to get a monkey on Dora's back because although she couldn't run very fast, she could be counted on to sing assinine songs unless heavily medicated, and this frustrated her Johns, err - I mean Jose's, to no end. The monkey, unfortunately, needed one hand free at almost all times for one reason or another, so he kept slipping off her back and was relegated to the role of 'guy in the corner for little to no reason with only one hand usually showing'.

Not easily defeated, Tiko enlisted the help of 'backpack' who is now an almost permanant fixture on Dora's back, along with 'map'.

'Backpack' is a veritable treasure trove of anything that helps Dora turn tricks faster, and is also has a 'star pouch' so that if and when Dora catches stars, she can put them in the pouch. The stars have different varieties and names, much like LSD does (Blue Cheer, Looney Tunes, etc.)

'Map' functions mostly as a humiliation tool for Tiko to remind Dora where her place is should she start thinking about taking off. 'What's my name?!?' he asks. 'Say it AGAIN!' he demands. That's right bitch, take it! Oh, wait, he doesn't say that... I'm getting ahead of myself, heh. . .

That's Dora's friend Benny to the right there. Benny is lame. Benny would be Dora's best customer if he could get it up at all, but he can't. He does have a hot-air balloon, but still manages to get outwitted by most office supplies. He ain't no Tiko. The best job he can manage is 'fluffer'. He's also insanely jealous of the Big Red Chicken (not pictured) because Benny would otherwise be the most well-hung character on the show. . .

And this fellow is Swiper. He smaller than the big red cock, err - I mean chicken, but he's a kinky little fucker who always wears a mask during sex. He lives on 'Blueberry Hill', and whether or not it was intentional, it fits in perfectly with the Louis Armstrong song. He'll wait for the opportune moment and then take Dora and her stupid monkey by surprise, mostly coming from behind. Mostly.

And lastly we have the band. Bow-chicka-bow-wow, bow-chicka-bow-wow. Tiko bought these guys to follow Dora around and play upbeat porno-style music to keep the clients happy. They certainly look happy, don't they? Personally, I think they have been dipping into Dora's star pouch.

Anyhoo, it's a lame little fantasy for sure, but it beats the hell out of actually having to process the show yet again, and the next time I have to see 'Dora's Magic Box' I have a feeling that the plot will sicken a bit :).

Incidentally, if you are repulsed by this latest blog entry, but have managed to make it this far despite that fact, then I would like to take this opportunity to assure you that I am not the person who invented this: :) Comments?