My Ass

No, this entry is not literally about my ass, and for those of you who found this on a google search for porn, please accept my apologies and hit the 'back' button now. This is about an article which was posted on CNN this morning about airline food. The original article can be found here: http://www.cnn.com/2008/TRAVEL/01/11/airline.food/index.html , but I will be summarizing and referring to it in this post, so you won't need to reference it unless you really wanna. The article is about airline food, and it starts off like this (followed by my comments in italics below):

"(Tribune Media Services) -- Airline food. The very mention of those two words is enough to provoke a strong -- and usually negative -- reaction from any passenger.

But let's add another word. Good airline food.

Laughing yet? Maybe not. Maybe you've heard all about airlines' efforts to improve their in-flight fare.

Continental Airlines recently unveiled new menus featuring hot gourmet sandwiches such as roast beef and oven-roasted turkey with gouda cheese on marble rye bread. Delta Air Lines introduced new signature entrees from celebrity chef Todd English, like smoked salmon and egg salad croissants and roast beef steak cobb sandwiches..."

Okay, okay, I'll be the first to both observe and admit that airline food sucks. It does, NO question. It does NOT, however, suck because of lack of concept. In concept, a sandwich should taste good. You put some meat, cheese, maybe mayo, mustard, lettuce, etc. on a roll or bread or even a pita thingee and it should taste good, right? They're not trying to serve us 'grubs on a stick' and tell us they're great; people eat sandwiches all the time, and they are simple to make, store, and serve. The airlines somehow manage to fuck this up. An airline sandwich usually has nasty dry bread, sour brown wilty lettuce, and god knows what else inside. It's not a question of 'Is this going to be any good?', it's a question of 'Will this kill me?'. . . If Todd English is on the flight, serving up smoked salmon and egg salad croissants table-side, then that might be one thing, but he wont be. It will be made by a nose-picking felon in some warehouse two weeks prior to serving, and then left out on the counter for three hours by Betty 'I hate you' Harris, before its unceremoniously dropped in your lap for your enjoyment. Call me cynical, but that's how I see this being implemented. The article continues. . .

"It would be tempting to say that the now-profitable airline industry has turned a corner when it comes to customer service. That it really cares about its passengers. But that might be a little premature.

See, there are a few things the airlines aren't telling you about the fare up there.

1. 'There's no food on this flight.'
Read the announcements of these new in-flight menus carefully, and it's clear that the food offerings are extremely limited. For example, the Todd English sandwiches were initially only available on flights between New York and Los Angeles, San Diego, San Francisco and Seattle.

Good. It will make the forensic scientist's job (what killed all these people?) later that evening so easy that she'll be home in time for dinner...

"Delta probably takes the dung medal for the worst food," says Sohail Rana, a professor of medicine in Washington. "On a Washington to Los Angeles flight, all they had was a pepperoni pizza. My family and I are observant Muslims."

You're proceeding from a few false assumptions, Sohail, including:
1) The belief that the pepperoni was once a meat product of any kind
2) Failing #1, the belief that the pepperoni was actually once pork

I wouldn't eat it either, but I would have also asked for a vegetarian meal or brought my own if it were me - or just have waited the 5 hours it takes to go from DC to LA, what's the big deal?

2. 'Hope you're not on a diet.'
No one has to tell you that the snack packs offered by airlines are loaded with calories and unhealthy fats. But the latest DietDetective.com survey of airline food (http://www.dietdetective.com/content/view/2873/3/) suggests it may be a lot worse than you think.

"The individually packaged snacks are oversized and have mega calories,"

the survey's author, Charles Stuart Platkin, writes of American Airlines in-flight cuisine. "These snacks should be for a family of four, not one person. They really are a disaster." Ouch.

What the hell kind of snacks are you getting on your flights Charles? My tiny ass bag of pretzles has maybe 200 calories at the most, and it's among the only things that I will consider eating on any flight at all. If you're getting served king-size Snickers bars on some other airline, then email me and I will switch over to them immediately! Seriously, if you can manage to hork down enough of the shit that the airlines try to feed you to actually start gaining weight, then mister, you're a better man than I.

3. 'Our in-flight cuisine is awful.'
Have a look at the latest Zagat airline survey (http://www.zagat.com/airline), and you'll see that with few exceptions, the food really is terrible. As a group, the major airlines are bottom-feeders, scoring 5 out of a possible 20 points...

Well duh.

4. 'Exact change only, please.'
If you think you're going to be enjoying any of these new and improved airline meals on your next flight, you better either bring cash or pray for an upgrade.

Not willing to spot us paupers $10 on a $400 flight for the chance to contract a tapeworm infestation from Salmon ala Felon? You bastards!

5. 'There's a secret menu -- and it's better.'
Your airline probably won't volunteer this information, but the food is even better if you order from the "secret" menu. And often, the economy class meals from this menu are better than the fare served up front. I'm talking about entrees for passengers with dietary restrictions, such as vegetarians, vegans and diabetics.

Same nasty dry bread, same wilty brown lettuce, only NOW instead of that gelatinous, slightly greened slice of deli turkey you score a cheese and walnut patty on your sandwich. Awesome! You're in for a real treat!


Okay, it's not like me to bitch pointlessly most of the time right? I have a proposal. Instead of having a disgruntled attendant lean over and ask 'Chicken or Beef' (Chicken or Beef what??), how about having an airline draw up a contract with a company who actually knows something about preparing food? Lets keep it simple at first, something like Subway. You get your regular crusty attendants on the flight, and instead of that stupid kitchen area with the trolleys and all that crap, you wheel in a little refrigerated Subway table complete with all the stuff. 'What kind of sandwich' index cards are waiting for you in your seat. There's a stack of milk, juice, and soda cans underneath the sandwich making table, and here's the kicker, you hire a real Subway employee to come in and make the sandwiches to order. The food wouldn't suck, or at least wouldn't be poisonous, and you'd always have a choice of virtually any sandwich you could think of. Expensive? Nay! For an 8 hour shift, that Subway person might clear $100, which divided between all the passengers would equal about an extra $1 per flight (so $376 instead of $375 - whoopie). The airlines would probably actually save money on bringing food in, as waste would be virtually eliminated. And when the plane lands, you wheel out the old cart and wheel in a fresh new cart. Subway has stores in every city, this is easy! No one bitches about it being unhealthy, vegetarian meals now require no special orders, and etc. Subway wins, airline wins, you win.

Petition anyone?