May cause dizziness, dry mouth, and fatigue

I hate ads for medicine on TV, especially ads for medication where you aren't sure what it's supposed to do. . .

*Scene Fades in*
An older man jumps up and catches a football and pumps his fist wildly upon landing. His grand-child (?) goes wild. It's so fun playing with grandpa again. 'Now, thanks to new Zillirex(tm) the game is back on!!' they say. . .
*Fade out to Zillirex box*
Is Zillirex:
a) An incontinence aid for Grandpa?
b) The latest designer anti-depressant for little Billy?
c) Something that makes it so Grandpa isn't attracted to little Billy in the wrong way?
d) Other?

I don't know either, but they want me to be sure to ask my doctor if new Zillirex is right for me, which would be an awkward conversation to have, especially if it treats condition 'C'. At least they could throw us a bone by naming the new medicine in an intelligent way, so that we would know whether asking about it would be appropriate or not. For instance, if the medicine is called 'Vagicide', then I have a pretty good idea that I wont be needing it for anything. Come to think of it, if it were called 'Peniscide III', then I probably wouldn't go near it either. Guys are kinda squeamish when it comes to anything to do with mr winky. Mr winky could, in fact, be blackish green and smelling none too good, and if a guy did manage to work up the courage to go to the doctor to have it looked at, the conversation would probably go something like this:

Doctor: What seems to be the prob - Good God man, what the hell happened?!?!

Guy: An evil witch cast a spell on it. It kinda itches. . . Is Peniscide III right for me?

Doctor: No. This is end-stage gangrene, we're going to have to cut it off right now, or you will die.

Guy: Errr. . . Thanks anyway doc, but I think I'm going to ride this gangrene thing out, you never know. . .


What should trouble you most about the above exchange is the III part. I want to know what happened to Peniscide I and II, how come they aren't on the shelf anymore. What if they come out with Peniscide IV next month? See why guys don't mess around with this stuff? An even more compelling reason to just leave it alone is the warnings that they do give out on television. There is one 'good' warning, and three 'nuisance' warnings, but all the rest are 'bad' warnings, and are worth paying attention to.

Good warning: Do not take this medication with alcohol.
What it means: Taking this medication with alcohol will probably be a lot of fun. Do it, do it, do it!

Nuisance warnings: May cause dizziness, dry mouth, and fatigue.
What it means: One of the professional 'medicine testers' who seems to get recruited to test every medicine known to man is a crazy old bat who is perpetually tired and dizzy, and in need of a drink of water. When was the last time taking Advil made you dizzy? Never? Don't worry about it.

Bad warnings: May cause kidney failure, uncontrolled rectal bleed, seizures, blindness, and death.
What it means: Ooookey, so, you've got dry skin and you're looking for a cure. This is not the medicine of choice for you, okay? Just buy some lotion and deal.


I think they actually passed a law or something recently that says that any ads for medication must now mention the symptoms that it treats. This is a good thing, as it saves embarrassing conversations, but they haven't quite got it right yet - as I overheard one the other day that went something like: 'If you've experienced constipation for more than six months, then ask your doctor if new Ream-a-way(tm) gel caps are right for you. . .'

My feeling is that if you have been constipated for six months, then I don't think calling a doctor is going to help. Maybe calling a coroner. . .