No, we're not expecting. But we have been twice before. When I say 'we', I mean 'she' - because I had no idea what to expect. She had books to help her along the way. She had friends who had been expecting before. I had nothing, and as a result my journey into 'expecting' was much like being bandied about the head with an axe-handle. It was painful, disorienting, and I hoped that it would soon stop. If I were to write a book for guys, about what to expect when you're expecting, then they would never read it - 'cause I mean come on, we're guys, but if I were to make some cliff notes on the book in an effort to help prepare the average guy for what to expect, then they would be as follows:
1) Strange books will begin to appear on your coffee table. Lots of them. Hundreds of dollars worth of books - and she will want you to read them along with her. You will want to resist this - but not to the point of appearing uninvolved or disinterested. Some books have excrutiating details in them which are best left to the doctors and the babies, and some are little journal-type things that you write in (i.e. Day 63: I thought I felt you kick today, but it turned out that it was just those fajitas we had last night. I realize that you aren't capable of kicking me yet, but you are such a little miracle and blah, and blah, and blah.) One possible compromise is to have her read the book aloud to you in the evenings while you're sipping your beer. If she resists, then remind her that studies show that babies are comforted by their mothers voice while in the womb and that ears begin to form at only 8 weeks into pregnancy, and wouldn't-this-be-a-great-family-bonding-thing-for-all-of-you? :) Then all you have to do is try to not grimance when she announces rather proudly that her mucus plug is about to come in. Tip: If she thinks that you are disinterested then you can save yourself by putting your ear to her stomach and listening to the fajitas digesting for a few minutes. Don't ask me why.
2) She will begin 'nesting' if she hasn't already. You thought the books were expensive? Having a baby is the world's best reason to go on a shopping spree - and it never ends! She will buy things. A lot of things. Things that the child will have no use for until they are three years old. Things that are cute. Things that are on sale. Things that her friends thought were cute. Things that you kind of need, but that could be put off for another 6 months easily. She will buy two of some things in case the baby likes one of them better. Then there will probably be something called a baby registry too, where all of her friends can join in the excitement and buy multiple copies of things that the baby will have no interest in. Take heart - at least the financial strain will be spread around somewhat. There's really no way to stop this without appearing to be the world's biggest prick, so my advice is just to plan ahead and let it happen and defend as much of your territory as possible. If you're not having the baby for another six months, then you don't need to have the car seat in the back of your car just in case. Did she get an inflatable kiddie pool on sale? Don't blow it up yet, just smile and compliment her shopping ability, and then stick it in the garage.
3) She will change. Physically, obviously, but that's easily dealt with by using the phrase: 'You're just glowing honey, and it's the greatest thing ever that you can bring our child into this world.' Just repeat it at least three times out loud, right now, and remember it. That phrase will save you from just about any arguments or drama about what's happening with her body - and if you're convincing enough, then you'll score some bonus 'good daddy' points out of the gate. Trust me, those are more easily earned now rather than later. Emotionally speaking she will also change, and could have umm.. mood swings.. and cravings.. It's kinda fun waking up not knowing whether the bacon and eggs that you made her for breakfast will make you a star for the day or whether you'll be the devil's spawn who is making her fat (insert glowing statement here) and then she'll start crying and call her friend to bitch about this and all of the other stupid things that you've done during this trimester. Cravings are handled easily enough, you just have to make sure that you get enough of whatever it is that she wants. Think one pint of Ben & Jerry's is enough? Think again. Get three. Worried about waste? Over a $3 pint of ice cream? When you now own two changing tables that go for $400 a pop? Get real. I once had to drag my ass out of bed at midnight (so cliche', but I'm serious) to go find a store that was still open and that had peach yogurt and pink lady apples (nothing else would do). I filled the damn shopping basket after that. Fool me once.
4) She will become, uhh, irrational at times. Some of this is the fault of the books from #1 - at least one of which outlaws all sugar while pregnant and suggests that you reward yourself with an organic fruit-juice-sweetened cookie no more than once a week if you just can't live without it. Of all the tripe to put in a pregnancy book. She may read things like this (unbeknownst to you), second-guess herself, try, fail, and cry, at which point you will need to step up and do something or you risk being the insensitive jerk who ruined her life. Remind her that her mother smoked, drank, and probably ate her weight in doughnuts while she was in the womb and look how beautiful and smart she turned out (insert glowing statement from #3 here - are you seeing how useful it is yet?). You won't be able to fight some of the irrationality though, as it tends to resist reason very well - such as why the spare room upstairs, which has had fine white walls for the last five years suddenly needs to be a different color for the baby. It's for the baby. The baby needs a yellow nursery. The baby needs it. Don't try reasoning through this; don't try fighting back. Yes, it's true that the baby likely wont be able to appreciate interior decorating for quite some time, yes it's true that they may prefer white to yellow, it's almost certainly true that the room doesn't need to be painted right now - but you won't win this one. Just suck it up, go to Home Depot, and get the paint that she picked out. Reward yourself with a new power tool while you're there - and if you get called on it, then say it's for the baby. A new router? Say it's for engraving the baby's name on the crib or the changing table or something. New saw? Well, you need it for the detail work on the rocking horse you were planning on surprising her with. You know.
5) A lot of books say that she may become very horny during the second trimester. Heh. I wouldn't bank on that. . .
Anyway, if you can weather the storm then when you get to the hospital and witness the miracle of birth you will be greatly rewarded. Cherish the arrival of the baby. Cherish the look on your wife's face as the baby is presented to her. Cherish the look on your wife's face as you tell her that you forgot to put the car seat in the back of the car that you drove to the hospital. Cherish the urine as it drips from your chin, because soon this little person will call you 'dada' and then it's all over. :)
That's it, in a nutshell, hope it helps!
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